I know its been a long time since we've spoken, well, dont even think i have ever addressed you before in this way, i guess there's always a first time.
Its funny because i know you are always here, watching my every move, holding and releasing every breath and counting each passing heartbeat, i have done it too, lately for amusement purposes, that or i'm just very anxious.
Man it is a burden, it really stresses me out sometimes, i just start by monitoring my breath and without really thinking about it i'm starting to control it and then i just cant stop, it becomes really annoying, but then i get tired and i dont want to stop it because i start thinking "what if you forget to keep it going?"
It's like i dont want to be aware of it anymore it just takes so much of my mind, every waking moment and thought gets wasted going there, way too much to process, and you're probably just watching the whole time like "what's he doing now?" and i just keep on breathing.
I keep my lungs breathing and my heart beating, well, you do Brain, since i'm writing this letter to you, it seems just fair to give you all the credit, but you are kinda living in my head and not paying any rent, you know? spending twenty percent of my whole energy, and yet, without you, i wouldn't be able to write this, wouldn't be able to be, there wouldn't be no me, no nothing.
So what i'm trying to say is thanks, i guess.
But, you know Brain?
There's something that has bugged me for a long time about this whole thing, and i mean, it's not like i am the only one bugged about it, there have been plenty of humans and their brains, thinkers and tinkerers, that have been arriving to the same unnerving question many times before, and there's probably no answer due to the nature of the question, but it comes from this exact premise, the "nothing".
Because as i really like the idea of thinking of myself, sitting on this chair in front of this text as i type what comes to my mind, i can only reside inside of it, relying on my senses which are roughly transmitting signals picked up by some set of tools which allow me to interpret what may be going on around what i refer to as: myself in this current state of time and place, and forming an internalization that allows my reason to respond to, but then again, i'm relying too much on a single source that's biased at least by what has been, a sole viewpoint in this time-space set and most importantly, a subjective, merely imaginary one.
I remember i was a boy when i first had this sort of thoughts, of course they weren't as elaborated as they may have become today, but the reasoning was in essence the same.
I guess it started with "the crisis", it only makes sense, doesn't it?
The Crisis, wow that could be the title of something nuh? nah, i'm just too full of myself.
Well anyway, you are very much aware of this situation aren't you ol' Brain?
Yes you are, with your flickering short-circuited temporal lobe, and all those jumping neural cables you liked to switch around, we had some fun, didn't we? We did.
We've seen some pretty wicked stuff, not like trippin' on acid wicked stuff, but neat stuff nonetheless.
Anyway, remember when my speech used to run backwards? I do, it didn't lasted long but it was pretty funny, everything i said came completely turned around, my mom used to joke around saying i was possessed and speaking in tongues, she even sprinkled me with water, pretending it was holy water.
Or when we had like super high speed processing on, i was so good at reading, oh and those times when i kept drooling around uncontrollably over everything because my mouth stopped working and i couldn't articulate? it was so random.
Such good times.
There was some insight tough, some pretty grim insight if you ask me, cause that was when i started to think about it all, those times, trapped inside my own head, maybe in a non-responsive body, some things were usually fine, others weren't.
There were things that just worked differently for short periods of time, oh and then not so often, time itself would stop going as usual,when i just blinked and suddenly everything was different.
I was in another place, maybe a second had passed or a couple of minutes, perhaps more? did i said something? where did i went?
You and me Brain, we had to work with what we had at the time, i remember the blackness too, the pure vacuity, the absolute nothingness, and it was real and scary, i remember too when i found out how to fill it up.
It started small, well its a big space, the nothingness, that until you realize that space really doesn't matter and size is just a relative abstract concept that we use because we are used to touch things that are in front of us, well we really dont, we never ever touch anything at all in our whole existence, but that's just physics and not relevant right now.
The thing is, when you are inside, well deep inside, you start to really see things differently.
You see? it's all a matter of perspectives, i believe, and how they can get shifted, sometimes they shift by force and also you can learn how to shift them if you try hard enough, and if you have nothing around to distract you from it, that's way easier i think, the outside world is so loud, all the time.
Sometimes i feel that all the nostalgia comes from the longing for that darkness, the stillness it is, for me it has always been the need to communicate and think, having some time to ask questions, to hear them, to have those conversations that make sense and help figuring out the "where?" and "why?", because if i don't, how could i know myself, if i keep changing so much?.
No, i didn't saw that in the dark, i saw it in the colors and in the shapes that i filled it with.
I didn't wanted to see, because the blindfold we have on is actually very comfy, its warm and its pretty and its full of charm and entertainment and stuff, and don't get me wrong i really love it, it's what life is all about, being blinded by it its the greatest gift of existence.
But gazing into the darkness was not a choice, it was only an unavoidable coincidence in my life, one that would scar my mind in ways i could not foresee and that i do not regret.
I guess we all should search for the darkness within.
I feel tired now, do you Brain? i guess we both feel the same way, and it's good we do.
I like that we can talk.
Please, don't be a stranger.
Talk to you soon.
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